Being inconsistent has been a consistent decision in my life.

The ideal man I had in mind for myself, started to fade off when this type of behavior started to separate me from my real self.

By now, I thought I was going to have more figured out. I thought I was going to be more accomplished. And I thought I was going to be where I wanted to be.

But I really lost my north and the idea of what really matters.

Turns out - I was more consistent being inconsistent than dedicated, and the plans I thought were going to work never existed because the decisions I was making were on the opposite side from where I wanted to go.

I don’t believe everything is over for me - But a situation happened in my life where God made sure I stayed humbled & grounded so I can really see where my life was at and how far I have to go now.

Our hearts and souls carry a weight only God knows and understands - and it was so much chaos inside of me that he found a way for me to hit rock bottom, so I can actually be conscious about my life and the decisions I was making.

But something I discovered under this umbrella of humbleness is that when you stop making decisions at all - that decision will keep multiplying, and you will slowly become those indecisions.

Life starts being very confusing, emotions begins to be volatile, people you love start to become annoying, and the life you worked so hard for starts to slowly be farther away from joyful.

Those indecisions themselves will separate you from your real self so much, that at some point you’re going to forget about yourself.

You start forgetting who you are..

You start forgetting what you are..

You start forgetting what your real goal in life is..

And you stop caring about the things that matter to you the most.

Like your career, your loved ones, your family, and the person that is really special for you.

This collective group of indecisions are not you - but they really start to become the new baseline. Since these are decisions you are not making at all, the bar instead of going higher, starts to become lower and lower.

In this experience of God humbling me after accumulating this group of indecisions - I started to painfully understand that this was the most obvious signal that I have to actually look into myself, and organize my priorities so they can become what I focus on.

Conscious decisions always have some follow up to do, and the follow up is pretty much automatic when something needs to get accomplished.

That is exactly what makes us focus - we are going down the rabbit hole to get it done.

Unconscious decisions have follow ups we don’t know we have to face, and in a world where everything is pretty much unpredictable - It is just a bad gamble to allow ourselves to live life followed by many unconscious decisions ruling our daily routine.

As hard as it has been - I see this as a blessing.

Because God humbled me too soon, and I didn’t completely forgot about myself.

Which is why I’ve cried more now than I’ve ever done for two important reasons:

For a really long time I really thought I could do everything myself because, in my understanding - “We all have the power of God in our hands, therefore we are God”.

As true as it is that we have the power of God in our hands - We are human beings, not God. And we co-create with God, as much as people want to give the credit to us.

I can also say that life humbled me - If not God.

I’m still grateful - after all the tears I’ve dropped.

And I will still be grateful - after I drop all tears I’m missing to drop.

New decisions will come to my life now - since all I’m looking forward is to remain humble, under the umbrella of blessings God has for me.

I never thought I could open up my heart as much as I’ve done.

It takes a lot of courage & love to do it.

And I’m thankful I’m just getting started.

Because I do want to live a meaningful & beautiful life.

And these are just baby steps.